Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Discontent on Drunkard Bench

In an episode of "The Simpsons", Homer is in heaven and sees Dean Martin.
He tells Dean "You squandered your gift".
And Dean answers "I made 17 albums".

Since last Wednesday night, my timing has been off. So many small things have gone wrong. If I get to take a nap, someone calls just as I fall asleep. If I get to sleep in the next day, I sleep like crap so I don't even want to stay in bed. Then my contact ripped. I can't say the streak is over either. Just lots of small stuff that is challenging me. It feels like its taunting me, trying to make me realize I'm not mature, I'm not patient, I'm still a stupid drama.

Meanwhile when I had time I tried to read my book. Due to the timing conflicts, it wasn't easy. And the book had gotten really good. I was reading "The Winter of Our Discontent" by John Steinbeck and it has lots of great quotes. I've underlined a lot. The protaganist feels that his moral Goodness might just be a form of laziness and puts his intelligence to work to defeat this "laziness". Integrity is questioned, I question mine.

Then last night I sat at the table at Dave and Busters feeling terribly uncomfortable. The stools were way to close together. I'm older than most of my coworkers and we couldn't bring our spouses. As I sit there, I try to make myself invisible. A couple people comment on me not drinking. It separates me more. I watch them drink and drink. I'm impressed actually. As they become silly, I feel myself lightening up. I leave feeling like I had a good time.

I drank a coke at the party, I think this contributed to the inability to fall asleep. So I finished my book and lay there thinking about how it all fit in. Dean Martin, "The Winter of Our Discontent", this week where timing has been against me, my co-workers, me.

Possbily I squander my gift by never finding it. Maybe my "goodness" is the cowardice that I cannot compete in the world where people put themselves out there. I've never drank because I'm afraid, not because I believe it is terribly wrong. By now, I really feel there is no point in starting, but I know people feel judged when you don't participate on that level. So I try not to be a presence. By becoming invisible I try to defeat my own desire to be seen, to be appreciated, accepted. But I never do, I never defeat that. Leonard Cohen talks about losing the desire to become the Hero in your own tale, of not needing to win. He talks of a peace that comes with that acceptance. I aspire to that, and not to have the small things weigh so heavy.

But if I try to exercise integrity, I have to be fair to myself and remember there is so much greatness in my life. I've had lots of fun, learned a lot, met awesome people, appreciated lots of music, and had the best family a person could wish for. If I can keep moving forward through these small setbacks, then that will be success for me.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Sesame Jeep

I think I love Sesame Street as much as Olivea. As a long time fan of the Muppets, love for the Sesame characters is so easy. And there is probably something terribly wrong with me, but I think my favorite is Bert. I don't understand his love for pigeons, but they probably don't remind him of Norma. I think its great how he loves boring things like paperclips and how he takes so long to warm up to Ernie's silliness, but always does.
Every celebrity that does a segment on Sesame Street always goes up a notch in my estimation. Have you heard Robert Deniro laugh like Elmo? Andre Bocceli singing a duet with Elmo is priceless. Now when I hear James Blunt's "Beautiful" I wont flinch, instead I'll think of him singing to his triangle. "An amazing shape". Just like all the cameos in the Muppet Movies, it is so funny to see people take these puppets so seriously and themselves less so.
I like the human cast members as well, excepting all relations of Mr. Noodle(He should be Mr. Creepy- Mime is money). But the others are so cool, and they are all so patient and kind. Maria is my favorite. Always fixing those toasters. Her and Luis make the sweetest couple.
When they cut away from the characters to those little filmed or animated segments, its such a drag. But when they focus on the zany antics of those crazy Sesame Muppets, its good entertainment.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Surrounded by Smoke

Ash has settled on the patio. We can't really spend any time outside. After two days inside, Olivea wants to play outside. The fear has mellowed, maybe San Diego won't get surrounded and the whole city won't go up in flames. But will the Chargers play here on Sunday?

Sunday, October 21, 2007


Terry molted a couple of weeks ago. She seems to finally be recovering and regaining her spunk. Terry and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary in August. Nigel's nine year anniversary and Javy's thirteenth this past August also. But I'd like to go further back and talk about a pet of the past.

We got Boony on Easter. Her mom tried to bite my Dad when he went to get her. Why would she want to let that adorable pup go? I remember the night we named her, lying on the couches trying to think of just the right name. I'm pretty sure Si came up with Gretel and for some reason at the time it seemed perfect. Her name was to evolve so quickly, that I don't remember us ever calling her Gretel. Soon she was Boony and though derivation were inevitable, Boony stayed the main name.

Boony was terribly cute. Her ears flapped over toward her face in two triangles. Her color was a beautiful light yellow, a color I've rarely seen on other dogs. She was a great height and build too. She was also smart and fun. She used to chase Si and me around, attacking our ankles. But when Dad got in the game, she would automatically team up with the kids. Mom would make cupcakes for her for her birthday. She didn't like lettuce.

My greatest memory of her took place one afternoon in the backyard. We were both sitting on the round picnic table, I was reading. I looked up toward Mount Helix and noticed something looked strange. The black clouds were visibly moving towards us. I could hear the rain as I saw it approaching us. I actually saw the wall of rain move towards us, I believe Boony saw it too. "Run" I cried to her. We jumped off the table at the same time and ran through the atrium, making it through the door just as the rain reached it. I sat on the steps with Boony and it felt like we were laughing together as we heard the rain pound on the roof. It was wonderful how I knew she understood what happened just as well as I had, that she was excited and silly just like me.