Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Discontent on Drunkard Bench

In an episode of "The Simpsons", Homer is in heaven and sees Dean Martin.
He tells Dean "You squandered your gift".
And Dean answers "I made 17 albums".

Since last Wednesday night, my timing has been off. So many small things have gone wrong. If I get to take a nap, someone calls just as I fall asleep. If I get to sleep in the next day, I sleep like crap so I don't even want to stay in bed. Then my contact ripped. I can't say the streak is over either. Just lots of small stuff that is challenging me. It feels like its taunting me, trying to make me realize I'm not mature, I'm not patient, I'm still a stupid drama.

Meanwhile when I had time I tried to read my book. Due to the timing conflicts, it wasn't easy. And the book had gotten really good. I was reading "The Winter of Our Discontent" by John Steinbeck and it has lots of great quotes. I've underlined a lot. The protaganist feels that his moral Goodness might just be a form of laziness and puts his intelligence to work to defeat this "laziness". Integrity is questioned, I question mine.

Then last night I sat at the table at Dave and Busters feeling terribly uncomfortable. The stools were way to close together. I'm older than most of my coworkers and we couldn't bring our spouses. As I sit there, I try to make myself invisible. A couple people comment on me not drinking. It separates me more. I watch them drink and drink. I'm impressed actually. As they become silly, I feel myself lightening up. I leave feeling like I had a good time.

I drank a coke at the party, I think this contributed to the inability to fall asleep. So I finished my book and lay there thinking about how it all fit in. Dean Martin, "The Winter of Our Discontent", this week where timing has been against me, my co-workers, me.

Possbily I squander my gift by never finding it. Maybe my "goodness" is the cowardice that I cannot compete in the world where people put themselves out there. I've never drank because I'm afraid, not because I believe it is terribly wrong. By now, I really feel there is no point in starting, but I know people feel judged when you don't participate on that level. So I try not to be a presence. By becoming invisible I try to defeat my own desire to be seen, to be appreciated, accepted. But I never do, I never defeat that. Leonard Cohen talks about losing the desire to become the Hero in your own tale, of not needing to win. He talks of a peace that comes with that acceptance. I aspire to that, and not to have the small things weigh so heavy.

But if I try to exercise integrity, I have to be fair to myself and remember there is so much greatness in my life. I've had lots of fun, learned a lot, met awesome people, appreciated lots of music, and had the best family a person could wish for. If I can keep moving forward through these small setbacks, then that will be success for me.

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